Ashamed of the Darkness…

            In hunting media there is a focus on shooting monster bucks. We are inundated with this in magazines, on television shows, on Facebook, and in conversations with other hunters. There is absolutely nothing wrong with shooting a monster buck or wanting to shoot a monster buck. However, I think we need to ask ourselves, “At what cost does this endeavor come?” The following is an example from yesterday and the realization that I came to.

            I live in a county that participates in the early antlerless-only season in Northern Virginia. I consider myself lucky to be able to begin hunting a month before the rest of the state and to be able to continue hunting up to three months after the rest of the state has stopped. Having said that, it is nearing the end of September and I have been able to make it out into the woods a handful of times. I have exclusive permission on two smaller tracts that I have mentioned in previous articles. Both are approximately 15 acres and are within a half mile drive of one another. Since I have control over who hunts and what gets shot, and since hardly anyone in the area (to my knowledge) hunts, I have set a management plan for myself to pass bucks younger than 4 years old and to thin out the doe population, in order to reach a more balanced buck-to-doe ratio and to get the older bucks to stay in the area.

            I always see monstrous, wide-framed, big-bodied, mature bucks showing up in my news feed or on TV and I say to myself, “That’s what I want”. I think that sometimes we get too wrapped up in this train of thought that we lose grasp of the real reason we are out there. Absolutely, it is a noble goal to get to a more balanced ratio and to get an older age class of deer walking around our spots but hunting media today puts so much pressure on us to do this that we unnecessarily stress out about hunting. This brings me to the crux of this article.

            Yesterday after work I scrambled into my truck and got to one of my two spots as fast as I could. The night before I had seen that the evening would be cooler compared to recent nights so I anticipated earlier deer movement. Upon arriving, I changed into my gear and set out for my stand. From my truck, there is a thin strip of thick woods about 20 yards wide that divides the road and a field edge. A creek runs through the middle and a narrow bridge allows for easy access from one side to the other. As I went to cross this bridge I spotted a deer out in the field. The deer paid me no mind so I ducked back and crouched behind a bush. As quickly and quietly as I could manage, I unslung my bow, removed my back pack,  opened it, grabbed my range finder out, slid my release on, removed an arrow from my quiver (Man! There are a lot of steps), and knocked an arrow.

I crept to the bridge and assessed the situation. “Ok, it’s a doe” I thought to myself. She was eating in some long grass but her body language was relaxed so I tip-toed across the bridge whenever her head went down. The sun was directly behind me but I was in the shade from that strip of woods. I knew this meant that even though she was facing my direction, the sun was in her eyes, she would have a hard time picking me out as long as I was still. I would only move when her head was hidden from view down in the long grass and I froze every time she raised it. When I finally got to where I had a clear view, unobstructed by leaves or branches, I stopped. I ranged her and the reading showed 50 yards on the nose.

I thought about closing the distance but it would mean leaving the shade and stepping into the open with the sun reflecting directly off me. A mature doe would certainly pick up on my presence. I have spent hours practicing out to 70 yards and can deliver a would-be-fatal shot at my 3-D target without a bit of trouble, even using broadheads. Until this point, 48 yards was the longest shot I had taken but I felt confident in my abilities with my compound so I decided that if she turned broadside I would take my shot. There was a noise behind her so she turned and looked over her shoulder. This was my chance. I drew back and found my anchor points. She took a few steps to my right and slightly away but I figured she was only a yard further, putting her at 51 yards. I settled my pin and released.

I heard the arrow smack her side but I didn’t think about that. My heart dropped and the deer let out a terrified bleat…the bleat of a distressed fawn. She went running with her head down, leg up (my arrow had broken it), and tail between her legs. A second later I watched her crash down into a creek a mere 25 yards from the point of impact. I reluctantly went over, knowing that I might confirm my fear. I did. This fawn was born this spring. At this point all I was thinking is, “Oh no. Oh no. How did I screw that up?” I went to where she had stood and realized that even though the grass was long, she had been standing on a bump in the terrain which made the grass appear shorter on her than it would have had she been standing elsewhere.

Then another thought crossed my mind. What if it was not just a fawn but a buck fawn? I went and stood on the bank and looked down from the bank of the creek. I stared intently at the head and saw what I hoped were not two ever-so-slight bumps. Reluctant to confirm my suspicion, I slid down the bank and approached. I lifted the back leg and, to my chagrin, my worst fears were confirmed. I had just shot a buck fawn – literally, the last deer I wanted to shoot. Now this is where I am most ashamed. I stood there, and for about five minutes I gave serious consideration to dragging that small limp body into the woods and leaving it there. I was ashamed to take credit for shooting this deer. I was ashamed that my “hunter cred” would be diminished. I was ashamed that I had gone completely against my management plan. For a brief period, in some twisted way, it made sense to me that abandoning him in the woods and never notching my tag so no one ever found out would be better than utilizing this meat.

As if coming out of a drug induced stupor, I suddenly realized the gravity of the thoughts going through my mind and I mentally punched myself in the face as hard as I could. I knew then and there that, if I walked away from this fawn and wasted his life and the meat, I have no business ever setting foot in the woods again. As a hunter, I have always prided myself on being ethical when it comes to the game I am chasing. Sure, maybe I haven’t killed a huge buck but no matter what, I always found comfort and satisfaction in the fact that the deer I have killed were nice deer and I did it ethically. Yesterday I put a black mark on my still-young, hunting career. I hope I always remember the shame I feel for what I considered doing.

I become so caught up in my management plan and big bucks and prestige and pride that I lost sight of the fact that I had accomplished something great and cool. I had gotten within bow range of a deer on the ground. I had made the longest bow shot on a deer in my life. Most importantly, I had some of the most healthy, tender, additive-free, and natural meat to put in the freezer. While I field dressed my young fawn I told myself that I would not only never do something like that again but I would also write about it in an effort to potentially help others to keep from bringing that darkness on themselves.

As deer seasons are opening all across the country and as we here in Virginia are preparing to hit the woods, let’s not get caught up in antlers and inches. Let’s not lose sight of the real reasons why we hunt. Let’s not put undue pressure on ourselves. I think the beginning of the season is a perfect time to reflect internally on your own expectations for yourself and for the season – not your perception of others’ expectations. Just yours. I will still try to adhere to my management plan but never again will I let my own selfish pride get in the way of what I believe to be morally and ethically right. Always remember that hunting is a privilege and a responsibility that is not to be taken lightly. I hope that everyone is able to take a good hard look at themselves and find the strength to do what is right, in the woods or out, no matter how big or small. Remember to enjoy what hunting is all about and not to overly complicate it. Stay safe in the woods and I wish everyone all the success in the world.